Cute Email

Received a cute email today and thought I would post it. If you have read it sorry.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
 
     I have to scrub the top of every can I open.

     I don't have any savings because I gave it to a
 sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
 hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

     In fact I don't have any money at all, but that
 will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
 Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
 participating in their special e-mail program.

     I don't have to worry about my soul because I
 have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
 Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
     I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
      I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
 though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
      Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
get answered only if I forward an email to seven of
my friends and make a wish withinfive minutes.

     I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
 someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
 won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
 
     I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
 people who make these products ar e atheists who
 refuse to put "Under God" on the cans.
 
    Also, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
 remove toilet stains.
 
     I don't use Saran wrap in the microwave because
 it causes cancer.

     And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a
 cup of water in the microwave anymore since it will
 blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

     I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
 because I could be pricked with an infected needle. 
 
     I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
 will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
 
     I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
 since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
 
     I no longer shop at Target since they are French
 and don't support our American troops or the
 Salvation Army.

     I don't answer the phone anymore because someone
 will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
 phone bill with calls to <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore,
 and Uzbekistan.

 I don't have to buy expensive cookies from
 Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

     I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
 big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
 to cause me instant death when it bites my rear-end.

    And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up a $5 bill I find in a parking lot because it was
probably placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

     I can't drive my car anywhere now because we're
no longer supposed to buy gas from any gas stations.

     If you don't send this e-mail to at least
 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
 with  diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
today, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day!

 

Tags: funny emails